10 Hollywood Re-makes You're Not Standing In Line To See

I couldn’t have said it better myself…

It's far cheaper for Hollywood to avoid original ideas and thinking altogether wherever possible, and instead attempt to breathe fresh life into an old film or dormant franchise. Throw in US versions of world cinema hits, and the increasing trend to revisit old TV shows too, and you come up with a scary list of projects in varying stages of production. 

–Simon Brew

Let’s take a look at 10 of Hollywood’s bright ideas for remakes coming out in the next year or so. And please note my comments are no reflection on the talented screenwriters that are never given a chance to show their craft.


1. BARBARELLA

Seriously? This doesn’t even qualify as a movie rental.

2. THE BIRDS

This is a classic Alfred Hitchcock movie. I don’t think any re-make can capture the spirit of the original. I hoped Hollywood would have learned its lesson after the release of a movie called “Psycho” years ago. Hitchcock was a movie genius and these dumbed-down formulaic contemporary movies won’t even come close to doing this movie justice.

3. THE BLACK HOLE

This was a classic groundbreaking movie for Walt Disney. Certainly the special effects will be improved in this re-make, but I doubt anything else.

4. BOURNE

A prequel to The Bourne Identity. Maybe it’s just me, but I didn’t find those Bourne movies all that interesting. Certainly not interesting enough to warrant a prequel. But me excluded, I’m sure this will be on everyone’s list of must-see movies. At best, it might make for a decent Blockbuster night.

5. CLIFFHANGER

Does anyone remember this 90s action movie starring Sylvester Stallone? Let’s just hope that Stallone doesn’t think he still looks young enough to reprise his role. But in all fairness to the aging action star, his last Rambo sequel wasn’t all that bad.

6. CONAN

"Hither came Conan, the Cimmerian, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, a thief, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandaled feet." — Robert E. Howard. Let’s just hope Jason Momoa of Stargate: Atlantis fame can do a better job than the poor English-speaking (at that time) Arnold Schwarzenegger.

7. CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON

This movie terrified me as a kid. Now I’m terrified to think of what they’re going to do with this re-make. This is another classic that is probably best left alone.

8. THE CROW

Personally, I think this franchise should have stopped after the first movie. Unless they can find something totally unique to do with this concept (there were rumors that DMX was going to play the Crow at one time, but legal problems got the best of him. Yes, could you imagine that…a black Crow!) Even a movie rental is doubtful for me at this point.

9. DAREDEVIL

Alas, I knew him well. My biggest complaint about the Ben Affleck movie was the way Daredevil’s radar sense was depicted. The Daredevil I know…from the comic books…didn’t need to bang on objects with his billy club to produce sound waves so he could “see” things around him. In the scene where he chased a criminal down onto an empty subway platform, he would have found the criminal by the sound of his racing heartbeat alone. Read the comics folks before you do another movie, especially the ones by Frank Miller.

10. FANTASTIC FOUR

A reboot already? Hollywood please do yourself a favor. I don’t want this movie to flop. Don’t pretend that we’ve never seen or heard of the Fantastic Four before. Some of us saw the two FF movies. Doctor Doom was in both movies for crying out loud! We don’t need to see him again. Pick another villain, the Fantastic Four have many. How about an incursion into the Negative Zone where they must face the likes of Annihilus, The Space Phantom and yes, Blastarr the living bomb-burst! And if you absolutely must re-tell the origin of the FF, please take a page from the Incredible Hulk movie and tell the origin during the opening credits.